There’s this line from an Audrey Assad song* that I love. She says, “I’m wearing weary like it’s a second skin.” I’m not sure I can pin down a time where I’ve really felt like that. Until the last couple of weeks.
I’m feeling so run down. And more than just physically tired, I’m emotionally drained. I’ve been so worried about this adoption for so long. Work has been stressful and really sad for weeks now. When I’m at home I’m worried and scared about what is going on in Uganda. When I’m at work, I feel l like I have nothing left to give my patients and their families as they grieve. On my days off, I just want to sleep or sit at home and do nothing. But I’ve been forcing myself to keep doing stuff because staying busy helps keep my mind off things. And then I dread going back to work because I don’t feel rested or prepared to handle what I’ll face there. See this cycle I’ve created? I’m tired of being tired. (And whiny.)
Here is what I’m scared of:
Is this what being a mom is going to feel like? Am I just going to be running on empty all the time? Unable to give my best at home because I’m tired from work, unable to give my best at work because I’m preoccupied with what is going on at home? I guess that is just my fear in all of this. Maybe this isn’t a phase but a way of life from here on out. Someone tell me that’s not the case.
All this to say, I’m weary. And I’m not sure what to do about it. What I have done is lots of praying and reading and meditating on Scripture. Maybe it’s slowly making a small impact? It seems like it’s always easier to convince my mind than my heart of things, though.
For now, I’m going to get dressed, go to the gym, and then maybe to Rise because one of their biscuits can only help!
*(If you don’t know who Audrey Assad is, check her out. She’s incredible, musically and lyrically. You’ll be glad for this tip, I promise.)